I’ll probably get a lot of hate for including this in my post because the world is full of freaks and nut jobs who apparently enjoy things like camping, travelling, and the not-so-great outdoors.
They are a fucking mystery to me.
But hey, don’t hate on me. It just means there’s more nature for you because I don’t want any. Enjoy.
As you can see from the above gallery of screenshots, astronomy related news tends to be what I consider among the most captivating.
Seriously, pattern on surface of something looks like Morse Code?
Might as well report on a giant cloud in the sky shaped like a middle finger.
Whack me off harder.
I have no fucking idea why so much money is poured into the space program just so we can take boring pictures of planets a lot less exciting than the one we are all currently inhabiting.
The above comic perfectly encapsulates my feelings on sports and how utterly ridiculous I find the level of excitement that throwing, catching, kicking or sucking on a ball of some kind seems to elicit from giant hoards of people.
Oh, by the way…I would have included “people” as the number #1 item on this list, but how can I expect any of them to read this garbage if I tell them I hate them?
#7: Hot Weather
I literally don’t understand people who survive living in fucked up places like Texas or Florida.
I literally can’t visit places like these because I won’t make it back alive.
Despite being of Spanish and Sicilian descent, my body somehow seems unable to fucking function in temperatures greater than 75 degrees Fahrenheit.
Thank the gods that I was lucky enough to be born in probably the least disgusting region of the world when it comes to insect life.
Not to say that I don’t still find the insects here fucking disgusting, but like…at least we don’t have otherworldly level of centipede life forms.
Because the bugs and creepy crawlers here in the Pacific Northwest already have more legs than any living creature should ever end up with.
Seriously, if I ever saw anything like the grotesque freak of nature seen above, I would projectile vomit my soul all over it.
#5: Reality TV
I considered making this less specific, since I basically hate TV in general.
But since I do enjoy a very small number of TV shows (Breaking Bad and Shameless come to mind), it made more sense to hone in on the specific type of trash I abhor most.
Although on a conceptual level, it’s pretty hard to say which I hate more: Keeping up With the Kardashians or Ancient Aliens (the latter not even being a reality show).
TV has become the most obnoxious and mind numbing pile of shit that people happily spoon feed themselves and I will never understand the level of dissatisfaction with life that must lead them to such extremes.
This is probably why I HATE math, because I suck at it.
However, there are a lot of things I will not do in this life due to my sheer incompetence. Space travel, rocket science and politics being a few noteworthy examples.
Add math to that list and rest assured that I do not feel like I’m missing out on anything as a result of avoiding these things.
#3: Country Music
When it comes to music, my taste is about as diverse as it could possibly be.
Apparently a little too diverse for the shared gene pool responsible for the genre of country music.
I mean, sure…you could argue that while every country song seems to be about the glorification of small town farm life and the subsequent sexual attraction to tractors, every rap song is essentially about money and bitches.
I guess I just prefer money and bitches to sex with tractors or trucks.
Maybe I’m the weird one?
Okay, this one will get the most hate.
Sorry if you find it offensive that I absolutely can’t stand children, but at least I’m doing my part by making sure I never bring any into the world.
And fuck everyone else for having so many. I’m glad your life experience has been so utterly fantastic that you feel compelled to bring someone into the world without asking them if they even want to be here, but like…
I’m just not enough of an asshole to do that.
But in all seriousness, I am basically ashamed to come from a country that touts breeding as some kind of basic human right and encourages all people (regardless of ability to care for) to do so irresponsibly.
In a civilized society, breeding should NOT be considered a right, but rather a serious responsibility.
#1: “Smart” Phones
So I’ll just let you watch the video above from The Onion which perfectly conveys my feelings on these pieces of shit better than my endless bull shit will.
Plus, it’s way more entertaining.
While this may be an unpopular opinion, just remember that banning slavery also was at some point in history and it took way longer than it should for most of us to agree that the world was indeed not flat.