Clackamas County Jail is Beyond Disgusting

I was pulled over (and also arrested) in March of last year after supposedly being “over the white line” while waiting at a stop sign.

Of course, there was no actual white line.

My lawyer filed a motion to suppress evidence and presented both photo and video evidence that proved no line existed.

This is the stop sign I was waiting at when I was allegedly over the “white line.”
Although there is clearly no white line, notice how the vehicle pictured here is sticking out into the lane of traffic so that it can see around the large RVs parked blocking your view of oncoming traffic.

This was after asking the arresting officer while on the stand, to confirm the reason she stopped me and he even asked her to confirm what color this line was, to which she replied “white.”

When she agreed that the video evidence was indeed where I was at the time she saw the “traffic violation” she was forced to admit she must have been mistaken about the line.

As far as the judge was concerned, that was irrelevant.

She admitted to being wrong about what I was accused of being pulled over for, but who the fuck cares about that?

Not Clackamas County judges, apparently.

They denied the motion to suppress evidence that my lawyer filed. Clearly it doesn’t matter if the officer was either lying or mistaken.

I was arrested after they discovered approximately one milliliter of an illicit substance in a syringe in the console of my car, along with an empty bag that said they claim contained residue.

Since they are too poor of a county to have a very advanced field test for said substances, the cops in this city just pull drugs out of their ass to accuse you of having.

In my case, they decided it was heroin and cocaine.

Not too bright, as it was neither.

But never mind about being correct or accurate, this is Clackamas County we’re talking about. Where guards regularly engage in lewd acts with female prisoners. Where they deny inmates the most basic of human rights on a regular basis.

Why is nothing done about this?

Because they are privately owned.

This means inmates do NOT have prisoner rights like those in public institutions.

And when cutting costs, where do you think they begin?

Yep, the prisoner is the one who suffers.

Bingo. You’re smart.

That means things like basic sanitation in cells, medical needs of inmates (mind you, some of which are being held and have yet to be convicted of any wrongdoing) and a long list of things that prisoners in public facilities are entitled to by law.

In the eighteen miserable hours I spent in a packed holding cell, I counted AT LEAST three different times when one of the women asked for a trash receptacle for all the used, bloody feminine products that were collecting on the dirty concrete floor.

They asked when someone came to the cell for something else, since pressing the emergency button wouldn’t be appropriate for something like this.

At least three times they asked and yet no one brought one the entire time I was there.

Which meant that myself and many of the other women in the cell had to sit on the floor with the bloody pads piling up next to the toilet. There was no alternative.

You could stand and lean against the wall, but if you wanted to sit, the floor was the only space for doing so.

I watched at least one or two bugs crawl across the floor while sitting on it as well.

This is a disgrace and no human being should be treated this way.

Especially since Clackamas County Jail is only full of people violating probation for drug possession charges, apparently.

Yeah, totally…they are just concerned with the morality of someone choosing to use drugs (is there one? lol) and they are not blatantly preying upon and profiting from addicts, right?

Yeah. Fucking. Right.

Fuck these ass clowns and fuck their moral high ground. They are the shadiest fucking group of morons I’ve encountered in a long time.

The only thing more disgusting than the jail are those running it.

Advice for Addicts and Intravenous Drug Users

Drugs suck more than anything else IOkay, so I want to address two important things before I start spouting off with advice for addicts and intravenous drug users.

A Note to All Non-Addicts

The first important issue to address is actually for the readers who are not addicts, which I’m assuming is the “moral majority” here.

For non-addict readers, the first pissed off question that immediately demands to be answered is:

“Hey, wait a minute…are you encouraging drug addicts to keep using?!”

The answer to that is no, and the question is pretty stupid.

Sorry, I know they say there are no stupid questions, but these are probably the same people that filled your head with illusions of being whatever you wanted when you grow up too, so take it with a grain of salt.

Please note that this is not titled something like:

“10 Reasons Why You Should Start Shooting Meth Today!”

Which, in my opinion, would be encouraging people (addicts or not) to use drugs.

That’s certainly not my intention, nor do I see how it could be interpreted that way.

In fact, this is really not for people who don’t need the information.

So, that means I’m writing it for the people who are already choosing to engage in these behaviors. It honestly offers no value to people who don’t already do this type of thing.

A Note to All Addicts

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I want to address something more relevant to the addict readers.

I’ll warn you, this is a sad confession and will probably depress the hell out of you (I know it does me) and if you have a sense of humor, might make you chuckle over the irony and sarcasm that comes with it.

So, here’s the unfortunate truth: if you actually need the tips and advice in this list, you are wasting your time reading this because you will not listen to any of them.

Man, doesn’t that just fucking suck?

Yeah, and the reason you won’t follow the advice of someone who has been there (myself, in this case) is because you are an addict.

Okay, now for something even worse…I haven’t followed any of my own advice either, for the most part.

Veins Are Not Forever

Veins don’t always last forever, so fucking take care of them if you want to keep getting high.

This is a huge one.

Just wait until you mess up your usual veins so bad that you can’t use them one day all of a sudden, after getting used to shooting up regularly.

Then you’ll know what I’m taking about and how much that sucks.

My advice is this: take care of your shit.

Veins will heal, but only if you let them.

That means leaving them the fuck alone and actually letting them heal, instead of continuing to tear them up with relentless poking and dozens of failed attempts.

You’re only fucking yourself in the ass in the long run by doing this.

Of course, I’m one to talk. I’m probably the worst when it comes to all that, so don’t think badly of yourself if you have trouble listening to this one.

Have Basic Respect for Other Addicts

Don’t judge any other addict who has done something for the sake of getting high, UNTIL you are in the exact same situation and have taken a different course of action that you deem better somehow.

It’s real easy to say something like:

“Oh my god, did you hear that so and so robbed a convenience store, took the money and bought an ounce of dope? I can’t believe that, how terrible! I would never do something like that!”

when you haven’t lost your job yet, or your parents are still taking care of your lame ass.

You don’t know what factors help decide a person’s course of action, nor have you been forced to choose one under the same circumstances.

So if your buddy who robbed the 7 11 was fresh out of jail, broke, homeless and on the verge of ending his own life before he decided to take a chance if it might mean getting high instead of dying, then you don’t have any place judging him until your ass is exactly where his was when he did it, you know what I’m sayin’?

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Never coming down will mean never getting as high as you’d like.

If you want to get fucked up, you need to take breaks.

Let me repeat myself: actually getting high requires some time in between where you are not high.

It’s just the way things work. It’s a motherfucker, and it’s name is Tolerance.

You don’t want to get too close to it, because it will take away that high and replace it with a dull “normal” feeling which should feel anything but normal.

If that’s the case, you’re doing too much too often.

Slow down.

Enjoy life.

Take breaks, the longer the better.

But if you have no self-discipline like me, then even a couple of days can do wonders.

Take however long you can.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Unless you’re planning on getting serious about quitting, the best and easiest way to go without for shorter periods of time (for whatever reasons you have for wanting or needing to do so) is to make sure that all things drug related are “out of sight, out of mind.”

It’s true.

That’s why they try and keep outside media that might trigger cravings away from you while you’re in treatment centers for drug addiction.

Because if you’re trying not to get high for a while, you’ll have a much higher success rate if you stay away from all things which make you think of getting high.

Do your best to stay away from any drug buddies during this time, unless they are staying away too.

Don’t expect to be very successful in that case, however.

Just go into it telling yourself it’s not an option and won’t be available, and with any sort of luck you’ll convince yourself and chill out about it for a while.

Best of luck.

Addiction Isn’t Cheap

If you want to get high everyday, you’ll have to figure out how to support an addiction as expensive as that.

Anything from bank robber to loser mooching off codependent significant other will suffice.

For me, the answer to this one was getting into escorting.

That worked out beautifully for me, and it would have been a perfect fit with or without the drugs involved.

While I’ve heard that many girls feel differently and would not escort if they were not using, I found myself very well conditioned to this type of thing.

However, sex work is not a viable option for everyone nor is it viable in the long run for most people.

So you’ll have to figure out what works best for you.

If you want my advice, your best bet is to put monumental effort into keeping the job you have (if you have one) and do your best to “use within your means.”

In other words, don’t buy or do more drugs than you can afford with the amount of money you already make.

While this may result in desperate attempts to sell your old clothes, used CDS or anything else that you suddenly feel you can live without, you should really avoid letting it put you in serious debt or overspending when you can’t afford to.

If you can pull this off, it will work nicely with #5 on this list, since it will require those breaks during the times when you’re broke (which will be pretty much all the time, since you’ll spend any extra cash on a bag as soon as you get it).

While taking breaks out of necessity certainly sucks at the time, it does help you to hold onto the things in life that really do matter most and which are easy to lose sight of when you live in a constant mental haze.

Pretend You’re a “Social” User

At least in the beginning, don’t get high and then hang out alone at home

Keep it as social as possible, or at least find a “slamming” buddy so that you have another person to talk to, other than yourself.

This will also help you from developing various forms of drug-induced psychosis, which may include hallucinations and full blown delusions.

Not everyone is the same when it comes to this, some of us are more “psychologically” fit than others.

But speaking from experience, even a mentally sound person can get pretty out there when their brain is under the influence of some rather harsh chemicals for prolonged periods of time, without any sleep on top of it.

It’s pretty easy to lose your grip on things, and in my own experience it was waay easier to do when you spent lots of time isolated and high as a fucking kite.

I hallucinated far more often and it scared me a lot more when I was alone in my house, than when I hung out with my friends and got high.

I have also known a couple of good friends who got much worse than I did in the beginning, when you’re really fucked up and have no tolerance built up yet.

In fact, a little bit of tolerance is actually a good thing.

Otherwise, you’ll always look like a tweaked out fuck wherever you go and it will be noticeable.

Nobody wants that.

There is No Going Back

If your goal is to get high, stick with the needle if you’ve already crossed that line.

Smoking, snorting or eating dope will have no effect on you and you’ll be pissed off that you wasted it.

If you can’t find a vein to save your fucking life, still refrain from resorting to other forms of ingesting said substances, since attempting to use them as a replacement method will piss you off even more than you already are.

This is the same kind of frustration you will experience if you have been up for four days straight and you do your last hit of dope, then immediately pass out for twelve hours and wake up with nothing.

Should’ve saved that for when you woke up, dumb ass! 😉

Go Beneath The Surface

Stay away from surface veins, like the ones on the top of your feet.

They will oftentimes burst upon being poked, or some of the slightly stronger ones will wait to do this until you attempt to inject something into them.

Go for the deeper, thicker and stronger ones.

Watch Out For Abnormally Bright Red Blood

When flagging, proceed with great caution if your blood appears to be a bright orange/fire red that is significantly lighter in color than what you’re used to seeing.

This is oftentimes indicative of having found an artery, rather than a vein.

I suggest trying to inject the tiniest drop and then stopping, to find out which type of blood vessel you’re in.

That’s all it should take.

Best possible outcome?

Everything seems fine, so you slowly try a couple drops more before stopping to make sure once more before slamming the rest of it in and being good to go.

Next best possible outcome?

That drop almost immediately explodes into a fiery fucking pain that I cannot describe in words, and shoots all the way through your entire leg, accompanied by a sharp unpleasant tingling that really does compliment the outrageous burning pain quite nicely.

Worst possible outcome?

You don’t notice the difference in the color of blood (bad lighting, or whatever else) and you begin slamming it in like you would normally, and you don’t realize until 30-40 ccs that you weren’t in a vein, and the pain is tenfold…and, you don’t get high either.

Beware of arteries!

3 Movies About Prostitution

movies about prostitution

I decided it would be a good idea to seek out some movies about prostitution, to see how far off the mainstream portrayal truly is.

I am not including Pretty Woman in this list because it is too well-known and honestly, it’s kind of just a big insult to legitimate sex workers because it’s not about them — it’s more accurately about some middle aged man who is suffering from a serious case of “White Knight Syndrome,” which is hardly very interesting.

Mighty Aphrodite

movies about prostitution

Back when I was a teen, my best friend was a huge fan of Woody Allen.

I remember having to sit through Annie Hall and it was a struggle not to fall asleep.

As you may have guessed, this one is directed by and stars Woody Allen. However, unlike the other films he has directed, I felt this one was at least tolerable.

One thing I’ve noticed about all the movies by him is that all the actors look like real, everyday people. Even though they are famous!

For example, Helena Bonham Carter plays Allen’s wife in this movie and yet she manages to look like an actual person. A real, live person who you could pass on the sidewalk.

Anyhow…while the move IS pretty funny, the whole “ditzy hooker” act became a little played out by the end.

While Mira Sorvino’s character is certainly outspoken and full of zest, she’s also kinda stupid. She plays a woman named Linda Ash, who works as both a prostitute and an actress in various pornographic films.

I was particularly fond of the scene where Woody Allen’s character meets her for the first time at her apartment. I like how when he starts to pry too much and get too personal for her liking, she quickly begins to steer the conversation in a sexual direction as a matter of getting shit done.

She is under the impression that he is there as a new client of hers, so this makes a lot of sense.

When he continues to badger her about her life choices and question the value of acting in porn films, she has had enough of his shit and she loudly and very firmly escorts him right the fuck out of her apartment after returning the couple hundred dollars he has paid for her time.

That’s exactly how I would respond to someone who came at me the way his character did in that scene, so that was pretty cool.

It was really disappointing to find out like over halfway into the film that Linda has a pimp who apparently has threatened, in rather vulgar terms, to hideously kill her and Allen’s character as well, for the influence he thinks he has over her.

She goes to Allen pleading for his help and asking him to please speak with this crazy whack job of a pimp loser because she is scared for her safety.

First of all, if some psychotic pimp is threatening to kill both of them…then my money is seriously on Sorvino as far as who would put up a better fight against the ass clown.

Why she turns to Woody fucking Allen for help and protection is beyond me, but whatever!

The Client List

movies about prostitution

I was actually pretty surprised when I found out this was a Lifetime movie, since those usually fucking suck!

That’s not to say, however, that this film was anything spectacular.

It’s my least favorite of these three movies, but I wouldn’t say it was terrible all around.

If I had to sum up the plot of this movie in a single sentence, it would go something like:

“Privileged white suburban mother turns massage parlor prostitute, making huge stacks of cash and saving her family’s home from foreclosure, only to become hooked on uppers and busted by the cops, subsequently ruining her entire fucking life.”

It managed to keep me interested enough to watch the whole thing, but it’s not one I’d revisit or anything.

The scene where she is driving home from her first day at work in the “massage parlor” and she has to pull the car over to vomit is really stupid, dramatic and flat out unrealistic.

I mean, c’mon…

Also, the ending is pretty shitty because she ends up giving up the names of like every single high profile client she has seen in order to reduce her own jail time…

And somehow this is seen as a happy ending where the silly ho learns her lesson and is punished by a husband who can’t look her in the face (probably because she has been the family breadwinner for months and not because he learns about the type of work she’s doing) and all of that good stuff.

I will say that the scene between her and her husband right after he sees her getting arrested on the news DID make me tear up considerably. The whole emotional story about putting his dog to sleep and how he couldn’t handle being in the room, so she did it for him…yeah, that got to me.

But that aside, mediocre film at best.

X: Night of Vengeance

movies about prostitution

While The Client List was kind of bleak and depressing in its own first world kind of way, this one makes it seem like a trip to Disney Land.

X: Night of Vengeance is an Australian film that follows two sex workers who have starkly different realities.

The film opens up with Holly, a higher end prostitute or “call girl” who has been in the business for something like fifteen years and has just bought herself a first class airline ticket to Paris, planning to retire from the sex trade.

After we follow her around for a bit, we switch over to Shay, a seventeen year old runaway who is instead walking the streets to find customers and doesn’t know anyone in the area at all.

While Holly is obviously very experienced and turns out to actually be pretty damn tough, it’s clear that Shay is super vulnerable and has no idea what she is really doing.

While there is a lot of violence in this film, I found it bothersome and somewhat remarkable (sense the sarcasm) that both of these women are able to take several punches right to the nose and face without any swelling afterwards…

Well that’s odd…

On the subject of violence, I have to admit I probably enjoyed some of it more than I should have.

Especially the scene where Holly (played by Viva Bianca) is attacked by some psycho and surprises the hell out of the him (and the audience) by fucking head butting the asshole, giving her the time and advantage she needs to grab a nearby suitcase and bash the shit out of his head with it repeatedly while he is momentarily disarmed by said head butt.

In fact, Holly is by far the most badass of all hookers I’ve seen portrayed in films thus far, which is pretty neat.

I mean, she could have been the chick underneath the pink Power Ranger costume or something.

Anyhow, I was really disappointed that Holly ended up dying and the movie was very depressing and awful on many levels.

However, it did a very effective job of portraying the sharp contrast between street walking prostitutes and “call girl” types.

I actually felt like I could relate to Holly’s character pretty closely in many ways. I don’t have as much experience dealing with the life that we see Shay living, even though fundamentally they are in the same business.

I’d say this was the best of these three films, in my opinion. All three are worth watching once, for sure.

As a side note, apparently it is impossible to direct a movie about hookers that runs longer than 90 minutes since all three of these were almost exactly that long (although X: Night of Vengeance felt much longer to me, because of the intensity).

9 Things You Should Know Before Using Crystal Meth

Drugs don’t really fix anything2,

I’ve used a lot of crystal meth in the past 10+ years. I’ve also learned a lot about what it means to be an addict. Here are nine things you should know before you try or use crystal meth.

#1: Don’t Trust Addicts

99% of all addicts are liars and thieves.

This might sound unfair and even close-minded, but it’s the truth.

There are some exceptions to the rules, but they are incredibly rare.

Most people are no match for their addictions.

They will be driven to do things they would normally never have considered all in the name of getting high.

Sad, but true.

So if you’re thinking of trying drugs, keep in mind that all the people you will be dealing with are likely to steal from you and lie to you at your own expense.

#2: Once is More Than Enough

Don’t kid yourself by saying that one time can’t make you addicted.

It can.

I believed it couldn’t too when I first tried meth.

I was so, so wrong.

The worst part about it is that you won’t realize what has happened immediately afterwards.

Addiction is a gradual process and it doesn’t happen overnight.

But trust me when I tell you that one time is all that it takes to set this into motion.

It can and it will.

#3: You Are Easy Prey

Expect to get ripped off.

Everyone who is new to the game does, usually more than once.

When you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, addicts will spot you a mile away and will take full advantage of you.

When you lack the connections, you are pretty much at the mercy of these middle men.

And they show little to none at all.

Since you will be desperate and have no other means to obtain your high, you’ll fall victim to one of these assholes without a doubt.

Hate to say it, but…you’re burnt.

#4: Never Let go of The Dough

Learn to never let the money go, period.

When you are buying from someone new or an old hookup, you never under any circumstances let them run with the money.

I don’t care if they say they have to pick it up from a friend and they won’t let people they don’t know come with.

Don’t listen to anything they try to sell you on.

Bottom line is you don’t hand over the cash until they have the bag in hand and are ready to hand it over to you.

Don’t back down on this one and you’ll minimize the risk of getting ripped off more than is necessary.

#5: Sharing is Expected

Plan on kicking down your hookups.

Whoever the middle man is, you will be expected to share some of what you buy with him in order to get him high.

That’s why he is helping you out.

It’s not because you’re buddies and it’s not because he is going to pocket the cash you use to pay for it.

It’s because he wants to get high too and he has the connection that you lack.

So be prepared to share, it’s an unwritten rule and addicts will not take kindly at all to you if you refuse to kick them down.

#6: “Tweaker Time”

Learn to accept that your sense of time will begin to wither away and will eventually be more or less lost.

Full days without sleep start to blur into one another and weeks with nothing important to do and nowhere to be quickly turn into a fuzzy endlessness.

The day of the week will not matter to you.

What month it happens to be will mostly be useless information.

#7: Get Ready to Compromise

I can pretty much guarantee that you will at some point find yourself doing something that at one point you swore you’d never do.

You’ll do it for the sake of getting high, either directly or indirectly.

Trust me.

It will happen.

You might think you know yourself better than anyone, but you have yet to become acquainted with your addiction.

It will introduce itself in ways that you never thought were possible.

#8: More Hospital Visits

There will be some hospital visits in your future.

It’s pretty much inevitable.

Addicts are prone to a nice variety of medical complications, ranging from minor to serious and even life threatening.

Sure, an abscess probably isn’t gonna kill you.

But the staph infection that is probably causing it certainly can and very well might if you don’t seek medical attention, which addicts are well known for avoiding.

#9: Spawning Bad Habits

Get comfortable living in your own filth.

This might not be the case right away.

But over time, the drugs will cause you to start letting yourself go and your surroundings will reflect this change.

I hope you’re zen with the thought of grime and decay, because that’s a large part of the future you have to look forward to.

My Rat Terrier Chihuahua Named Bub

Bub as a puppy in 2007

There he was in a newspaper ad right in front of my eyes.

I just didn’t know it yet.

It simply read: “black Chihuahua puppies for sale” and listed a phone number, which I was quick to dial.

Two rings later and a woman’s voice answered on the other end.

“They are actually half Chihuahua and half Rat Terrier,” she explained to me.

“I have no idea what that would look like…” I admitted, hoping she wasn’t trying to pull a bait and switch on me.

“They basically look like Chihuahua’s but they are a little bigger and sturdier,” she reassured me.

I liked that description.

The year was 2006 and Christmas was only about a week away.

I’d been looking for a dog for the past month or so leading up to this.

I made plans to drive out the following day to see the puppies.

A Sobering Visit to a Shelter

When I began to search for the first dog of my adult life, I thought the best option would be to adopt one from a shelter.

However, the sadness I felt after I visited one was suffocating and it left me with a broken spirit.

There were of course two or three puppies in the shelter.

Everyone who was there to look at dogs focused their energy on these lucky few, ignoring the rest of them.

I couldn’t stop myself from facing the reality of the situation head-on: these older dogs were going to die alone in this awful place with no one to love them or comfort them on their way out.

No one was going to take them home.

I wished more than anything that I could take every one of these ignored dogs with me.

But the truth was, I was in no real position to take even one of them.

I had no steady place to live at the time.

I was only eighteen and had been on my own for a year already, but had been staying with a boyfriend for several months.

Floating between this friend’s apartment and that one, couch surfing and spending more time in my car driving around than I did at any place I called “home.”

After leaving the shelter with that awful sense of helplessness, I was hit with a sobering realization: if I took an older dog that needed a home more than one of the puppies, I would have less time with it and it would die sooner.

That thought was so horrible to me that I decided right then and there that I was going to do the selfish thing and find a puppy who I could have in my life for as long as possible.

Growing Up With Dogs

My dog Jersey
Childhood dog named Jersey

Growing up, we always had dogs in the family and I had loved them all my life.

My first was a Chocolate lab that was a gift from me and my grandmother for my grandfather’s birthday when I was about three years old.

When my grandfather asked me what I wanted to name him, I replied with my favorite cartoon character at the time: “He-Man, King of the Universe!”

My grandfather laughed and said he liked it.

It stuck.

I said goodbye to He-Man when I was twelve years old and we had to have him put down.

It was one of the hardest days of my life, even at this point.

I remember wanting to be there with him in the room at the vet’s office when it happened because I didn’t want him to be alone, but when it came down to the time it was too much for me to bear.

I was glad my grandfather was there and stayed with him, I just wasn’t strong enough.

I loved him too much.

The loss carved out a chunk of my young heart that was buried in the yard of our old house with his ashes.

Thinking back on my memories of him still hurts even after all these years, but the memories themselves are tender and filled with light.

The second dog of my childhood was named Jersey, a tiny Dachshund with a feisty personality.

I loved her dearly and our time was cut short after about seven years, when my grandmother accidentally ran over her while pulling into the driveway back at home.

To make matters even worse, I was in the car when it happened.

The Best Christmas Gift

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m out in the real world on my own without the slightest inkling of how to do anything right or responsibly.

No anchor was heavy enough to keep me in any one place for long.

I decided that I was going to give myself a dog as a Christmas gift.

And so, the next day I drove out to the breeder’s house to meet the third dog of my life, whose name would eventually become Bub.

There were three puppies left, including him.

A girl and another boy.

They were turning eight weeks old on that day and they were so incredibly small that it almost scared me how precious and vulnerable they were.

They were sleeping when I arrived.

She showed me into the room and there were three of the tiniest black and white bundles of fur curled up like caterpillars on a blanket.

Two of them didn’t stir at all when I entered the room and began to fawn over them.

But the third one opened his eye to look at me and seemed keen on having an audience.

Sensing my presence and attention, he began to crawl on top of one of his sleeping brother and sister as I watched with delight.

Bub in 2010
Bub in 2010

He certainly stood out from the others.

He seemed to have more energy and he was also the chubbiest of the three, which I’d noticed right away when I saw them all sleeping there.

He had a splash of white on two of his paws and a strikingly intentional white streak of fur running up his chest, almost in a skunk’s pattern.

I had already decided before going that I wanted a male dog, and now I was pretty sure which of the two puppies it was going to be.

I remember thinking to myself, “Yep, I want the chubby, sassy one with all the attitude.”

I had no idea what I was getting into and I hardly realized at the time just how important Bub would become.

A Mother’s Love

rat terrier chihuahua
Bub and I on October 13th, 2015

That was almost nine years ago.

The white of his chest has now spread further out.

His eyebrows have mostly turned white and the fur around his nose and mouth is a distinguished salt and pepper.

Things weren’t easy for us at first.

I wasn’t prepared to take care of a dog or even myself.

But I did whatever I had to.

We lived in a motel for a few months, which was kind of miserable.

I’m in my late twenties now with no plans of having any kids.

Bub became my son every bit as much as any child would have.

I remember shortly after he came in to my life, I was talking with my mother one day and I said I would gladly jump in front of a bus to protect Bub if he was in danger.

I wouldn’t think twice about it.

She looked at me as if I were crazy and asked me the most disappointing question she could have thought to ask in response.

“Don’t you realize that your life is more important than his?

He’s just a dog.”

Clearly, she didn’t understand in the way I had hoped another mother would be able to.

To begin with, he is so much more than just a dog.

In the years since she asked me that, I think I can finally answer it correctly.

Today, I would say this to her:

You say you would die to protect me because I’m your baby.

He is mine.

You’re lucky though because as I grew older, I became capable of caring for myself and making sound judgments without your help.

I shed my vulnerability and along with it, my innocence.

Bub can’t do these things — but that’s okay.

He’s only more precious for these reasons.

It’s not about whether my son is human or canine or anything else that breathes and bleeds.

It’s about loving another living creature more than yourself.

You will do anything to protect them and keep them safe.

It’s an instinct.

Besides, I wrestle with knowing that he will probably die before I will.

No mother should have to bury her own children, as the old saying goes.

I’d rather die protecting him than watch him leave my life sooner than he has too.

What kind of mother wouldn’t feel the same?