Being forced into adulthood, very much against my will
A List of Reasons to Hate Me
I’m a feminist, so suck on that
If I were a guy, I’d be gay
I laugh at jokes that are racist, sexist and otherwise offensive…because, you know, they are JOKES
If I ever stop eating meat, it will be because I’m traumatized by occasionally coming across fat or gristle and not for ethical reasons
I smoke cigarettes and no amount of shaming will ever change the fact that I find smokers sort of sexy
I don’t give a fuck about the environment, global warming, recycling or living fucking “green”
I’m fat and I’m fine with it
There’s a good chance I’m still better looking than you anyway (and even if not, the fact that I say and think that should be more than enough to earn some hate from a few people, am I right?)
I’m that insufferable asshole who passes you and everyone else sitting in traffic on the freeway by driving in the emergency lane…suckers!
Because I can fit this many hot dogs in my mouth at once
Remember that awful time that your boyfriend cheated on you while you were pregnant? I was THAT chick.
My dick is definitely WAY bigger than yours, dude…and I don’t even have one!
I call myself a Hillary Clinton “supporter” even though I don’t vote
I can’t stand children and avoid them whenever possible; in my mind they go from being a straight up parasite to a long-term responsibility and I can’t decide which of those is worse
Of the six times I’ve been knocked up, only one of those times did I have any idea who had done the knocking up
I terminated all six pregnancies without a single shred of remorse
Disney’s Frozen is among my favorite movies and if you don’t feel the same, I’m afraid I’ll have to Let It Go because we can’t be friends
I was a HUGE fan of the motherfuckin’ Spice Girls back in the 90s
If that’s not enough to make you throw up, Spiceworld (as in, the movie) has the unique distinction of being the only VHS tape I’ve ever worn out
In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I have a remarkably BIG fucking mouth, which is no more evident than when I devour an entire cupcake in a single bite
All this talk of my brilliant youth reminds me, I’m also a lazy, worthless and intolerable Millennial!
If I were a Spice Girl (as I often pretended to be as a kid, along with my BFF at the time) I think they’d call me Cunt Spice
I’m incapable of monogamy. Some people like to call that being a whore, which works fine for me if that makes it easier for you to understand.
I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe he exists. I also don’t believe in people, but mostly because they suck and lead only to disappointment.
I am almost twenty-nine years old and I still don’t know how to change a fucking flat tire or add oil to my car. I’ve been shown more times than I can count, but there is never a shortage of men around who are happy to do it for me while explaining how it works one more time.
Try as they might, people simply cannot make me feel shame. Period. So before you criticize me for being some idiot because I smoke cigarettes or something, just know that I don’t plan on living long enough for it to matter or for me to give a single fuck.
My cunt of a mother is nice enough to wish me a “Happy Birthday” via email and this was my response:
One of my biggest regrets in life is NOT intentionally running into this asshole’s unoccupied car which was sitting in front of me at a stoplight because he got out of it to come yell at my window about how I couldn’t “afford to hit his car,” after accidentally cutting him off to exit the freeway. Driving uninsured and with a suspended license, I can pretty much afford to hit anyone’s car…should have done it.
If you haven’t yet found yourself offended by the things that go into my mouth, I can basically guarantee you will be offended by the things which come out of it instead. If taking the most hideous, fucked up and offensive ideas and finding the right words to express them was a profitable skill, I’d basically rule the planet.