Everything I Have to Say About Politics


Part of me really would rather not tackle this subject, but I figure anything that somehow manages to consume me the way the results of this election have is probably something I need to get out of my head.

It’s not very often that I react to something in a way that truly surprises me. I know myself pretty fucking well and to find myself profoundly affected by something in a totally unexpected way has been a strange experience indeed.

My keen self-awareness has probably made it all the more surreal. Over the past year or so, I’ve been taking note of my own increasing level of interest and engagement in American politics.

It’s been difficult NOT to notice about myself, as it was never something that I devoted much time, thought or energy to in the past.

At many different points during these last six months especially, I’ve caught myself having thoughts along the lines of:

  • “Since when am I the kind of person who follows election news this closely?!”
  • “Okay so I’m pretty sure I’ve never cared this much or felt this strongly about any Presidential candidate before, but I have to admit…I am rooting for Hillary, dammit!”
  • “UGGGGHH…I swear to God, if I open my big fat mouth one more time and start talking about ANOTHER news story about the election, I’m seriously going to slap myself in the face”
  • “Well at least now I am absolutely certain that I’ve become a boring, old grown-up who cares about drudgery like fucking politics…I wonder if I’d be less preoccupied with it if I were happier with my own life at the moment”
  • “Okay, I don’t even know myself at all anymore…I AM NOT the kind of reject who is moved to tears over the outcome of a fucking election, WTF has happened to me?!”


Okay, so let’s travel back in time nearly seventeen years…shall we?

Presidential Election of 2000

It is fall of the year 2000. The school year began just two months prior to the election, and I was in the 7th grade at Clear Creek Middle School in Gresham, OR.

As November 8th drew near, I remember Mr. Hemstead (who I had a ridiculous crush on all of that year) began to give us a political primer on how Presidential elections work in the United States.

This was as good a time to start the discussion as any, I would imagine.

I’d just turned thirteen a month before, so I was barely mature enough to acknowledge the world beyond my own self, at least momentarily.

In fact, as I sit here reflecting on this period of time in my life, I become more and more convinced that it’s quite possibly the perfect age group to be in.

My brain was pretty much focused on my first “boyfriend” who I had met around this time. In between the flickers of boring crap they were teaching us at school, I mostly sat around thinking about the last time I’d seen him and trying to relive the first time butterflies of someone touching my boobs.

I think my biggest fear and concern back then was dropping a tampon on my way to the restroom from class or something equally as retarded and hilarious.

Life was not so bad, looking back.

This particular year, as many of you already know, George W. Bush was the Republican candidate running against former Vice President Al Gore, a Democrat.

I didn’t know much about either of them at that point in time and I had just barely enough sense of who I was and what would end up mattering to me in life to be aware that I tended to side with Democrats and their values.

As we learned more about how the elections ran, everything seemed hunky dory until we suddenly hit a giant hole in the road as we were listening to Mr. Hemstead explaining shit one day.

Waaait just a minute! Back up, please…

What was that last part, again?!

The Electoral College (or why I Never Voted)

Okay, now just hang on a goddamn second please.

I thought I was starting to get a grasp on how all this shit works and then you had to go and utter the two most sterile and condescending words I’ve ever encountered.

Electoral college.


What about that part about how we live in a free country where WE elect OUR President by VOTING?!

WHAT the FUCK happened to THAT PART?

It seemed awfully important. You sure sounded proud when you said it a moment ago, yeah?

This is going to be JUST like that fucked up lie I was fed back in Kindergarten, ISN’T IT?

Like…what was that all about, anyway?

Thank you for lying about someone as awesome as Santa Claus existing and thank you for trying to lie to me about something as awesome as the concept of fucking voting.

Man, you really had me going there for a moment! Good one, bruh.

And before you go trying to “explain” why the electoral college exists or launch into some fucking psuedo civics lecture I didn’t ask for…yeah, I’ve heard it all before.

Save it.

The reason we have the electoral college is because we DON’T VOTE FOR SHIT.

The reason we have the electoral college is because we DON’T VOTE FOR SHIT.


Well, I take that back.

Many of us DO in fact vote…it just doesn’t mean fucking shit.

How quaint.

I remember after I learned this in school, I had a conversation with my grandfather about it at the time (who is a Republican and Conservative).

I remember simply asking him why we had a system where the person who gets more votes may not actually end up being elected our President.

He responded by assuring me that such a scenario was so rare that it virtually never happened.

Aaaaaaand then!

George W. Bush lost the popular vote to Al Gore and was elected our next fucking President.

Hey Dad, can you tell me again about how rare that whole thing is please?

I seem to have forgotten.

Underestimating Stupidity

At that point, I was wholly disillusioned about our process for electing our most “important leader.”

I called total bullshit on the whole thing and decided right then and there (as a pathetic little teenager) that I wasn’t going to play that fucking insulting game of bullshit.

What for?

My vote would count towards absolutely nothing but a cute little statistic that people would chat about over breakfast as the real decisions were ultimately made by OTHER PEOPLE.

No fucking thanks.

How dumb were these fucking people?

I mean I love my grandfather to death, he raised me as his own daughter and I respect the hell out of him. But I still fail to see the logic behind his argument that you don’t have a right to bitch unless you vote.

…in an election where votes determine nothing whatsoever.

In the year that followed, the terrorist attack took place which took down the World Trade Towers in New York City.

Following that disaster, I watched President George W. Bush declare some bogus and vague “war on terror” and begin to bomb the shit out of Afghanistan and other Middle Eastern countries.

Keeping in mind that I was still pretty young while this was all going on, I was basically just left with the impression that Bush Jr. was a war mongering, illiterate redneck who probably should have just declared Texas a soverign nation and appointed himself King of that shit hole instead.

Bush Jr. was a war mongering, illiterate redneck who probably should have just declared Texas a soverign nation and appointed himself King of that shit hole instead

By the time his first four years as President were drawing to a close, I was pretty much convinced that he was done for. There was no way people would be dumb enough to re-elect this guy for a second term when the man could barely speak a coherent sentence.

Oh, that’s right. We don’t get to choose after all, fuck I keep forgetting that!

I went as far as making a bet with my grandfather, who was certain he’d serve a second term. I still owe him that $100 to this fucking day.

I was so upset when he won the 2004 election against John Kerry. I was in total awe of how many ass backwards dumbfucks I was apparently surrounded by constantly.

And it was after that when I thought I had learned the frustrating and depressing lesson in underestimating the baseline of stupidity in this country.

Which seems funny to me now, all these years later!

My Failure to Appreciate Obama

The 2008 Presidential Election was the first one in which I was eligible to cast my completely meaningless vote for anyone from Barack Obama or John McCain to Charles fucking Manson, if I so desired.

But I didn’t.

Why the fuck would I? It wouldn’t matter and it wouldn’t count towards anything so I didn’t fucking care.

I was just glad Bush Jr. was finally outta the White House for good and I was certainly pleased to hear that Obama was elected that year because the only damn thing I knew about him at that point was that he was African American and a Democrat.

And back during this time in my life, I was kind of a wild child. I hadn’t settled down into a permanent residence yet and I was pretty wrapped up in my own drama and bullshit, like many people are in their early 20s.

I know some people join the Peace Corps when they turn eighteen or whatever, but I was not one of those people and I don’t claim to have been.

So part of it was just that I didn’t get a ballot in the mail and I certainly wasn’t going to jump through any fucking hoops to cast a meaningless joke of a ballot so I could get some dumbfuck pin that said ‘I voted!’

I was glad that we had elected a Democrat and even more profoundly glad that he was our first African American President. I considered that progress and I was happy that we had finally reached that goal.

But it didn’t mean enough to me then.

It should have, but it didn’t.

It wasn’t because I didn’t care, but rather because

a) I was a young, self-absorbed asshole like most people and

b) his victory did not have enough of a personal meaning for me like I’m sure it did for African Americans who turned up to vote for him in truly inspirational numbers.

Speaking from where I am now in my life, I applaud them for doing so (even if voting is stupid and fucking pointless).

I just didn’t get it back then.

I do now, but back then I didn’t.

And while I didn’t vote in the 2012 election either, I was glad Obama was re-elected for a second term and that he wasn’t replaced by a Republican (Mitt Romney, in that case).

But the biggest mistake I made during the eight years he spent in office was remaining generally apathetic about his Presidency.

I didn’t dislike him by any means. But I didn’t get very excited about him either, and I should have.

Only now, in his final months as our President do I finally understand and appreciate the things he has done and the values which he has stood for the entire time.

Only now, in his final months as our President do I finally understand and appreciate the things he has done and the values which he has stood for the entire time.

I feel ashamed that I took him for granted so long and that it took Donald fucking Trump winning the 2016 election for me to pull my fucking head out of my stupid ass.

It should never require absolute fear and staring evil straight in the face for you to recognize what is truly good when it has been present all along.

And beyond that basic lesson, I have come to also realize just how important it is to join in the celebration of those victories won by other groups of people, even when you are not necessarily part of those groups yourself.

And not just by letting out a sigh of relief because you sympathize with them and have the same core values and believe in equality.

That’s not enough.

You need to do it with all your heart, you have to celebrate it as if the victory was your own. Because it is, and if you fail to see that then the only one who loses out is YOU.

Losing My Voting Virginity

Of all the unexpected things I could possibly find myself saying, I certainly would never have guessed I’d be admitting that I lost my Presidential voting virginity to a woman.

Does that make me gay?

I don’t think so…yeah, it definitely doesn’t.

But it’s the truth.

Starting somewhere in my mid-twenties, I finally had an address for long enough that they started sending me ballots in the mail.

I always chose to vote on local issues because when it comes to those (whaddaya know?!) your vote actually counts.

So when I got a piece of mail asking me to fill one of two circles with black pen to help decide whether or not the city of Portland should continue to grant funding for local libraries…well, what can I say?

It just seemed like an awfully small action to ask of me, so I’d vote in support of fucking libraries or whatever the fuck.

A true Liberal twat. Plus I’m a Millennial, so you are required to HATE me.

And this year when it showed up, it had two names on it.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

I figured ehhhh…why the fuck not?

I’m With Her.

The Mistake of Believing

While I had realized very early on in this election that history was not on Clinton’s side in this race (a third consecutive Democratic term is a rare thing), I made the fatal error of wanting to believe she would win this.

I fell into the trap of starting to believe that if enough people were behind her and supported her, that it would pave the path to her victory.

I apparently started to forget the whole reason I never believed in voting for President in this country.

All because I had hope and because I wanted her to win.

The fact that she was running against a complete and utter fucking moron made it seem all the more possible. I was all set to celebrate making history in more ways than one.

I was so looking forward to seeing her shatter that literal and figurative glass ceiling like no woman before her had.

But it didn’t happen.

I sat up all night on November 8th, watching a real-time map of the United States as the votes came in (the ones that don’t mean anything, that is).

I started out patient, holding out hope for most of the night that the numbers would even out and she would prevail in the end.

But as I started to see her lose states she needed to win, a lump began to form in my stomach and I started to literally feel like I might get sick.

Still, I clung to hope and my own waning sanity until I saw Trump’s electoral count jump up on my screen to the number 264.

It was then that I knew it was over.

It was actually over and we had lost.

Votes are still being counted in some places at this time, but so far it appears that there was an army of Americans who were standing with Her. I was just one of them.

Presently, the numbers seem to indicate that she won the popular vote by upwards of 1.5 million.

And still, we lost.

Moving On

And while I cried throughout her concession speech the following morning, I also admired her strength as she stood there before her supporters and managed to deliver the words she was speaking without so much as a crack in her voice or a tear in her eye.

She is much stronger than I will ever be.

Her words echoed in my soul when she said simply that “This loss hurts…”

Does it ever.

But the real loss is yet to come.

The glass ceiling is now turning into a wall instead.

It has become like a sheet of ice over freezing waters and we are all trapped beneath it.

Now for the hardest lesson of all: learning how to mourn and suffer the losses of others as if they were our own.

Because, again, they are.

A List of Reasons to Hate Me

  1. I’m a feminist, so suck on that
  2. If I were a guy, I’d be gay
  3. I laugh at jokes that are racist, sexist and otherwise offensive…because, you know, they are JOKES
  4. If I ever stop eating meat, it will be because I’m traumatized by occasionally coming across fat or gristle and not for ethical reasons
  5. I smoke cigarettes and no amount of shaming will ever change the fact that I find smokers sort of sexy
  6. I don’t give a fuck about the environment, global warming, recycling or living fucking “green”
  7. I’m fat and I’m fine with it
  8. There’s a good chance I’m still better looking than you anyway (and even if not, the fact that I say and think that should be more than enough to earn some hate from a few people, am I right?)
  9. I’m that insufferable asshole who passes you and everyone else sitting in traffic on the freeway by driving in the emergency lane…suckers!
  10. Because I can fit this many hot dogs in my mouth at oncehot-dogs
  11. Remember that awful time that your boyfriend cheated on you while you were pregnant? I was THAT chick.
  12. My dick is definitely WAY bigger than yours, dude…and I don’t even have one!
  13. I call myself a Hillary Clinton “supporter” even though I don’t vote
  14. I can’t stand children and avoid them whenever possible; in my mind they go from being a straight up parasite to a long-term responsibility and I can’t decide which of those is worse
  15. Of the six times I’ve been knocked up, only one of those times did I have any idea who had done the knocking up
  16. I terminated all six pregnancies without a single shred of remorse
  17. Disney’s Frozen is among my favorite movies and if you don’t feel the same, I’m afraid I’ll have to Let It Go because we can’t be friends
  18. I was a HUGE fan of the motherfuckin’ Spice Girls back in the 90s
  19. If that’s not enough to make you throw up, Spiceworld (as in, the movie) has the unique distinction of being the only VHS tape I’ve ever worn out
  20. In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I have a remarkably BIG fucking mouth, which is no more evident than when I devour an entire cupcake in a single bitecupcake-gone
  21. All this talk of my brilliant youth reminds me, I’m also a lazy, worthless and intolerable Millennial!
  22. If I were a Spice Girl (as I often pretended to be as a kid, along with my BFF at the time) I think they’d call me Cunt Spice
  23. I’m incapable of monogamy. Some people like to call that being a whore, which works fine for me if that makes it easier for you to understand.
  24. I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe he exists. I also don’t believe in people, but mostly because they suck and lead only to disappointment.
  25. I am almost twenty-nine years old and I still don’t know how to change a fucking flat tire or add oil to my car. I’ve been shown more times than I can count, but there is never a shortage of men around who are happy to do it for me while explaining how it works one more time.
  26. Try as they might, people simply cannot make me feel shame. Period. So before you criticize me for being some idiot because I smoke cigarettes or something, just know that I don’t plan on living long enough for it to matter or for me to give a single fuck.
  27. My cunt of a mother is nice enough to wish me a “Happy Birthday” via email and this was my response: happy-birthday-thegirlnextfloor-gmail-com-gmail
  28. One of my biggest regrets in life is NOT intentionally running into this asshole’s unoccupied car which was sitting in front of me at a stoplight because he got out of it to come yell at my window about how I couldn’t “afford to hit his car,” after accidentally cutting him off to exit the freeway. Driving uninsured and with a suspended license, I can pretty much afford to hit anyone’s car…should have done it.
  29. If you haven’t yet found yourself offended by the things that go into my mouth, I can basically guarantee you will be offended by the things which come out of it instead. If taking the most hideous, fucked up and offensive ideas and finding the right words to express them was a profitable skill, I’d basically rule the planet.fuck-you

Top 10 Things I Hate More Than Anything Else

#10: Nature

I’ll probably get a lot of hate for including this in my post because the world is full of freaks and nut jobs who apparently enjoy things like camping, travelling, and the not-so-great outdoors.

They are a fucking mystery to me.

But hey, don’t hate on me. It just means there’s more nature for you because I don’t want any. Enjoy.

#9: Astronomy

As you can see from the above gallery of screenshots, astronomy related news tends to be what I consider among the most captivating.

Seriously, pattern on surface of something looks like Morse Code?

Might as well report on a giant cloud in the sky shaped like a middle finger.

Whack me off harder.

I have no fucking idea why so much money is poured into the space program just so we can take boring pictures of planets a lot less exciting than the one we are all currently inhabiting.

#8: Sports


The above comic perfectly encapsulates my feelings on sports and how utterly ridiculous I find the level of excitement that throwing, catching, kicking or sucking on a ball of some kind seems to elicit from giant hoards of people.

Oh, by the way…I would have included “people” as the number #1 item on this list, but how can I expect any of them to read this garbage if I tell them I hate them?

#7: Hot Weather

I literally don’t understand people who survive living in fucked up places like Texas or Florida.

I literally can’t visit places like these because I won’t make it back alive.

Despite being of Spanish and Sicilian descent, my body somehow seems unable to fucking function in temperatures greater than 75 degrees Fahrenheit.

#6: Insects

Thank the gods that I was lucky enough to be born in probably the least disgusting region of the world when it comes to insect life.

Not to say that I don’t still find the insects here fucking disgusting, but like…at least we don’t have otherworldly level of centipede life forms.

Because the bugs and creepy crawlers here in the Pacific Northwest already have more legs than any living creature should ever end up with.

Seriously, if I ever saw anything like the grotesque freak of nature seen above, I would projectile vomit my soul all over it.

#5: Reality TV


I considered making this less specific, since I basically hate TV in general.

But since I do enjoy a very small number of TV shows (Breaking Bad and Shameless come to mind), it made more sense to hone in on the specific type of trash I abhor most.

Although on a conceptual level, it’s pretty hard to say which I hate more: Keeping up With the Kardashians or Ancient Aliens (the latter not even being a reality show).

TV has become the most obnoxious and mind numbing pile of shit that people happily spoon feed themselves and I will never understand the level of dissatisfaction with life that must lead them to such extremes.

#4: Math

8f2d4ae2bc377ff3ac7cb74c5f5efefcI’ve always had a theory that people tend to enjoy those things which come naturally to them and at which they naturally excel.

This is probably why I HATE math, because I suck at it.

However, there are a lot of things I will not do in this life due to my sheer incompetence. Space travel, rocket science and politics being a few noteworthy examples.

Add math to that list and rest assured that I do not feel like I’m missing out on anything as a result of avoiding these things.

#3: Country Music

When it comes to music, my taste is about as diverse as it could possibly be.

Apparently a little too diverse for the shared gene pool responsible for the genre of country music.

I mean, sure…you could argue that while every country song seems to be about the glorification of small town farm life and the subsequent sexual attraction to tractors, every rap song is essentially about money and bitches.

I guess I just prefer money and bitches to sex with tractors or trucks.

Maybe I’m the weird one?

#2: Children


Okay, this one will get the most hate.

Sorry if you find it offensive that I absolutely can’t stand children, but at least I’m doing my part by making sure I never bring any into the world.

And fuck everyone else for having so many. I’m glad your life experience has been so utterly fantastic that you feel compelled to bring someone into the world without asking them if they even want to be here, but like…

I’m just not enough of an asshole to do that.

But in all seriousness, I am basically ashamed to come from a country that touts breeding as some kind of basic human right and encourages all people (regardless of ability to care for) to do so irresponsibly.

In a civilized society, breeding should NOT be considered a right, but rather a serious responsibility.

#1: “Smart” Phones

I have to be careful with this item because I could literally rant about the stupidity of smartphone design until they are replaced by something somehow even stupider.

So I’ll just let you watch the video above from The Onion which perfectly conveys my feelings on these pieces of shit better than my endless bull shit will.

Plus, it’s way more entertaining.

While this may be an unpopular opinion, just remember that banning slavery also was at some point in history and it took way longer than it should for most of us to agree that the world was indeed not flat.

My Feelings on Copyright & Intellectual Property

I consider myself a creative individual, but my feelings on copyright and intellectual property are somewhat complex and I’ll admit that, if anything, I lean toward a worldview of equal accessibility to all forms of media.


By “media,” I mean everything from films and books to artwork and music.

I suppose it’s important to disclose that I value respect more than money.

I feel that equal access to the creative works produced by mankind is ultimately a benefit to all, as a collective whole.

Increased access leads to increases in reactions, feedback, conversations, inspiration, derivative works, ideas and personal enrichment.


To me, these combined benefits usually outweigh the importance of one or a few people becoming rich by restricting access to their creations.

To be clear, I am certainly NOT saying that artists, musicians, authors and actors shouldn’t be compensated for their creative contributions.

A Hypothetically Starving Artist

For example, if a painter creates an original piece of artwork then they have every right to sell that painting to another person if they so choose.

BUT – the implications of this are pretty obvious.

In the case of selling it to someone who wants to hang it on their wall, the two people negotiate a price and the deal is done.

They won’t get paid again for that painting because it has already been sold to a new owner.

Since it was a new and original work, the sold painting is the only one that exists at this point.

But since our artist was starving (not stupid), let’s assume that he took some photos of the painting before selling it and posted them online for others to see.

Otherwise, it becomes a very real possibility that the buyer may be the last and only other human being who ever sees the painting at all.

Maybe it hangs on the new owner’s wall for the next few decades before both are completely destroyed in some natural disaster.

Had the artist not taken photos of it, the art would then be lost forever.

And I think we can all agree on what a shame that would be!

I tend to think this is ALSO fine for the buyer to do as well.

After all, he loved the painting so much that he bought it.

I’d like to think that any two people who create and appreciate these things enough to have made any such transaction would also be the kind who want to share its beauty with the rest of the world.

So I see absolutely nothing wrong with the buyer taking some photos of his new painting and posting them online for others to see.

Now that we know what I am okay with, let’s make it clear what I find unacceptable.

Stealing Something You Paid For

It would NOT be okay (in my mind) for the buyer to take photos of his new painting and then claim to have created it himself.

Under no circumstances would that be okay with me.

THAT is theft, even though he paid the real artist. It doesn’t matter.

Stealing it outright in the absence of permission or compensation would obviously be theft as well.

Both of those scenarios suck…but assuming our artist had still taken photos, then the second crook is guilty of the lesser crime.

At least as far as I’m concerned.

In the first scenario, the artist is paid with money and then robbed of credit and denied respect.

I can only speak for myself, but credit and respect are way more important to me than cash ever has been.

I also don’t think that it’s acceptable for the new owner to take photos of the painting and then sell them to other people.

If he wants to charge money, I believe he should have to sell the actual painting to someone else.

The artist, however, wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by charging others for copies or reproductions of the work if he wanted to.

You see, I have much less of a problem with people selling their creative work than I do with denying others access to them in the absence of money.

I’m fine with people getting paid for the things they create.

But if we lived in world where artists were paid for their work, it would be much harder to explain why they are so often starving.

Cool Story, Bro

In reality, most of us need some kind of day job or supplementary career to live comfortably.

And you know what? There is nothing at all wrong with that.

Bits and pieces of my own original work have been included in the work of others, sometimes after asking for permission and others under the assumption of fair use.

Do I get upset if I’m not asked first? No.

Would I be upset if I wasn’t credited? Mildly.

Happiness A to Z The Gleeful Guide to Finding and Following Your Bliss Louise Baxter Harmon June Cotner 9781632280077 Amazon.com BooksReal life example: a quick Amazon search turned up this book, which is very ironically a collection of quotes centered around the topic of happiness (you know, me being the cheery, optimistic type and all).

Now I know what Tom Hanks and I have in common.

While a lot of people will probably guess things like how much money we make or the number of awards we have won, it is actually neither.

(He is also not as sarcastic as I am).

It turns out, the only thing we have in common is that we are both quoted on page 116 of this book.

Pirates Are Cool Too!

Most people will probably think it’s kind of ass backwards for me to be as enthusiastic about a concept like Kickstarter as I am about The Pirate Bay.

But I totally am.

Being the broke asshole I’ve kind of always been, I frequently download torrents if there is a film I would like to watch or a software I could find a lot of use for.

I don’t lose any sleep over this because at the end of the day, I simply do not have the money to pay for these things even if I wanted to.

Now, you should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt since we have clearly established that I do NOT get paid a Tom Hanks salary.

You may think THAT is the real reason I feel the way I do about this stuff.

Perhaps you’re right.

I may feel differently if I was as rich as Tom Hanks, and then suddenly encountered some financial threat to a level of wealth I had grown accustomed to.

But I’m pretty sure after nearly 29 years of living the way I have, it would just seem like returning from a bizarre vacation or waking up from a dream.

Yeah, I’m weird.


The moral of the story is this: if you have the money and can afford to buy one of my books, that’s fantastic. I appreciate every dollar.

And if you can’t afford it or don’t have the money but still would like to read something I’ve written, just email me and ask for it.

16 Reasons Why Being a 90s Kid Was Awesome

Since I’m the only living 90s kid who doesn’t currently write shit for fucking Buzzfeed, I figured I had better make my own list of childhood nostalgia in their characteristically lazy and sparse style.

I feel like I should add a disclaimer making it clear that I am in no way certain of whether I actually thought growing up in the 90s was as spectacular as I make it sound, or if I just hate being an adult so much that it seems that way.

Hopefully that grain of salt is big enough to keep you from falling head first into this toilet of a list post.


The Disney Renaissance

The greatest animated films ever made by Disney came out during my childhood.

Younger generations are lucky since they can appreciate them after the fact, but I lived through it, motherfucker.

Might not seem important to you, but like…I literally knew nothing else as a child.

I just grew up with the absolute best without even realizing how awesome it was.

Gel Pens

Hell yes.

You have absolutely NOT forgotten how important it was for you to have a brand new set of these before the school year started, am I right?

Lisa Fucking Frank

981583c6c7ba3a6e4a7e5d755e69c6d0You know exactly what I’m talking about.

You had the folders, the notebooks, the planners, the posters.

The whole shebang.

Enough said.

 The Pink Barbie Corvette


Cruising up and down your driveway until you had to recharge the batteries.

You were a pimp then, you’re a pimp now!



Sure, technically barbies have been around a lot longer than since the 90s.

But we all know that it was the best decade for barbies, so don’t try to deny it.



These were sooo good and I have no idea why they stopped making them.

They were like little cookies you dipped into a perfect, gritty frosting.

Jelly Shoes


They broke all the time and they literally murdered your feet, but seriously?

They were sparkly and oh so awesome.

Fluffy Pens


Okay, so maybe Clueless was responsible for starting this whole thing.

In case you hadn’t noticed, pens were taken pretty seriously in the 90s.

And what better way to say serious than adding some pink fluff?

Polly Pocket


No one could compete with Barbie, but there was just something ridiculously delightful about the sheer tininess of Polly Pocket and her little collectible worlds.

Disney Everything

d2099352cbbf067a7b62b51ff8d26144I tried to tell you what a big deal this was!

We’re talking the lunchbox, the sheets and comforter with pillowcases, wall decals, birthday cakes, shoes, clothes, cups and dishes, backpacks, hair accessories and we’ve only scratched the surface.



It was everywhere and in absolutely everything.

There isn’t a single 90s lip gloss or other cosmetic that does not contain absurd amounts of fucking glitter.

What can I say, it was a motherfuckin’ sparkly decade.

Squeeze Its


These need no introduction.

Why oh why did they even stop making these fucking things?

The Kool-Aid knockoffs just don’t cut it.

Being a Campfire Girl


Screw the Girl Scouts. I was a Campfire Girl, bitches!

It was co-ed and way cooler.

I had a vest with all the damn badges, I think it’s still somewhere in my boxes at my parent’s house.

But for the most part, all I remember is meeting once a week after school at our leader’s house and doing fun stuff.

Bunk Beds With a Slide


Mine looked cooler and not as boring.

The slide was bright red and seemed bigger than this one looks in the photo.

Anyhow, it was awesome and I miss sliding down it in the morning back when I used to actually get out of bed each day.

Free AOL Discs

AHE3H8 A collection of AOL cd roms


This one will be lost on anyone younger than me, but back in the day we did not have smartphones with unlimited data plans.

In fact, we didn’t even have any kind of data plan on our old ass flip cell phones with the antennas you still had to pull out to get reception.

Hence, the AOL free trial discs were actually pretty handy.

They weren’t kidding about 1000+ hours free either. Every time my mom used to call to cancel the trial before they started billing us, they just extended the free trial another month or longer.

They obviously didn’t give two fucks.

This was back in the dark ages of dial-up internet, but with one of these silly discs you could literally pop it into any PC and setup a new trial account and get online in a few minutes (if you were willing to tie up your landline, that is).

So it’s probably good that they were literally fucking EVERYWHERE.

They handed these things out like they were napkins or something. They basically put little containers of them on the counter at like every business ever and invited you to just take them, so there was no shortage when you needed one.

The Motherfuckin’ Spice Girls


Boy bands are for pussies and queers.

Two words for you fags: GIRL POWER!

Embarrassing fact: SpiceWorld is the only VHS tape I ever watched enough times to warp and I had to buy a new copy to replace my first one.