Why Donald Trump is Actually the Perfect President

perfect president

Once I had recovered from the initial shock and personal devastation of the 2016 Presidential election, I spent an entire afternoon writing down all of my thoughts and feelings surrounding it.

It wasn’t easy.

I had to keep taking breaks to make sure I didn’t lose my mind.

While I managed to ramble on for more than 2,800 words, I did say everything I have to say about politics.

But that was written back in late November, before Trump had even invaded the White House.

Now that we have survived the first few months of President Chump, I have realized how glad I actually am that he won.

Let me explain why.

I Care Even Less About Him

Before he decided to run for President, Donald Trump was just a stupid sounding name on a long list of rich, old and white douchebags I had filed away somewhere in my memory.

In other words, I didn’t give one speck of a fuck about him whatsoever.

I had never watched an episode of his dumbfuck show The Apprentice.

I had never tried to read any of the books he paid other people to write so that he could claim to be an “author.”

I hadn’t even suffered through watching any of his interviews or speeches.

He was invisible to me because 1) I have good taste and 2) I had ZERO interest in hearing anything he had to say.

When he began his campaign, he became easy joke material and I got a few good laughs at his expense.

But the only way I could have found him LESS interesting than I had before, was if he won the election.

Now that he has, I’ll never have to see him or hear from him again.

Making America Great Again

I’m sure that Southern plantation owners weren’t doing cartwheels after the end of the American Civil War.

They’d just spent five long years getting their asses kicked, only to lose both the war and their slaves to a bunch of assholes who said owning them wasn’t allowed anymore.

If one of them had ran for President after Lincoln, I’ll bet they would have used the same tagline Trump did for their campaign!

They would have understood how America had been so much greater before those damn Yankees started meddling in their affairs.

Those damn Yankees!

First, they tried to take away their slaves. Who the fuck did they think they were, exactly?

Then they dragged the Confederacy into a fucking WAR over it and those bastards won.

You have to understand that for this group of people, America became LESS great for them after slaves were finally freed.

You have to understand that for this group of people, America became LESS great for them after slaves were finally freed.

Did it become greater for African Americans who were no longer slaves?

The obvious answer is yes, but it’s not like everything was suddenly fine for everyone the moment that happened.

Freedom isn’t the same thing as equality, or even equal freedoms.

But without basic freedom, the Civil Rights Movement could never have taken place later on.

Fast forward to today, and I think most enlightened people would agree that abolishing slavery made the country a better place for MORE PEOPLE.

Sort of like…oh, I don’t know, the Affordable Care Act!

While being far from ironed out or perfect, the goal was to make healthcare a right of all citizens.

You know, like every other major first-world country on the fucking planet.

Will this right come at a certain cost?

You better believe it will! It ISN’T gonna be cheap.

Doctor visits, surgeries, cancer treatments and trips to the emergency room are fucking EXPENSIVE in the US.

Way too expensive for most of us to pay, unfortunately.

A doctor’s salary can’t be paid by anyone living in poverty.

The people who can afford to pay a doctor his salary are the people in the same income bracket!

People like…Donald Trump!

The only problem is that Donald Trump didn’t become a billionaire by helping poor people pay the medical bills that ensured their future poverty.

Why the hell should he suddenly be required to pay more for other people AND for his own healthcare?!

I’m sure the idea sounds very un-American to a man who makes fortunes by scamming people out of their savings with shady promises of becoming as “successful” as he is!

Letting Me Off The Hook

After election night, it felt like my soul had literally been crushed.

Now that several months have passed, I feel relieved.

If Hillary Clinton had won (OR if our votes mattered), I’d probably have to continue following politics more closely or keep tabs on the news like a goddamn grownup.

And that thought scares me.

You might think that’s silly, but…

To me, the perfect illustration of silliness would be a bunch of morons over the age of thirty who somehow manage to convince themselves that the things they do have a measureable effect on ANYTHING in this world.

Because the fact is, they don’t.

It doesn’t matter if you vote or not. It literally means nothing.

It doesn’t matter if you vote or not. It literally means nothing.


It doesn’t matter if you join protesters and march in some kind of “solidarity.”

Pipelines will still be built, women won’t be treated equally and #NotMyPresident doesn’t declare Portland, OR a sovereign nation (no matter how long it trends on Twitter).

When I was thirteen years old, it was easy to stay in touch with this reality. Everyone knows that you can’t do shit about anything when you’re a kid.

What I don’t understand is why they think that changes as adults!

He Validates My Life Choices

In case you don’t know me very well, let’s make something crystal clear: my choices in life have NOT been “popular.”

Whenever possible, I choose to reject just about everything that most people blindly accept as being a requirement in society.

The greatest advantage I had in doing this was my complete lack of fucking concern for the opinions others have about me and the things I do.

Most people try to find a suitable path in life within the systems that currently exist (which we are born into and often can’t control).

They work hard, go to college and pay their taxes so that they can buy a house and enjoy a certain quality of life.

That’s fine, but the only problem is that they often end up with a FALSE sense of ownership and security.

If you get fired and lose your job, it was never really YOURS to begin with.

It belonged to your employer, who took it back.

In the end, you have no rights of ownership over it.

After being fired, you don’t have the money to make your mortgage payment for a few consecutive months.

If the bank forecloses on it, that means you didn’t own it to begin with.

THEY did.

Owning a home or having a successful career in a given field ONLY works when you play by the rules of OTHER people.

Owning a home or having a successful career in a given field ONLY works when you play by the rules of OTHER people.

If you break them, you lose the things that you thought belonged to you.

Because, in reality, nothing belongs to you.

Over the past several years, I’ve read dozens of stories in the news about successful people posting their personal opinions on Facebook and then losing their jobs and ending up with nothing as a result.

Which means that even when you DO play by the rules and put in the work for the success you enjoy, having thoughts of your own and sharing them with the world is NOT okay.

You aren’t allowed to share opinions on Facebook and keep your job. Unless they are widely shared by society, of course.

Anything too far from the norm will leave you on the “fringe” and likely cost you your station in life.

Personally? I think that’s complete bullshit.

But most people think my version of life is too “extreme.”

They shake their heads at my choices to abuse drugs and get paid for sex.

Both are illegal and people are too scared to break the laws which prohibit them.

Now that a madman is trying to run the country and take away everyone’s rights to basically everything, I’ll bet the idea of rejecting society and government doesn’t seem so fucking “extreme” to a lot of those same people now.

How could it?

If Trump and his cronies manage to make abortion illegal, will it stop you from getting one if you need to?

If your answer was “no” then my suggestion is to say it LOUDER and remember which set of rules you live by: theirs or YOUR OWN?

Why Trash Talking Competitors is Lame

So earlier today, I somehow managed to accidentally click some link that took me to a rather hideous promotional page promoting Microsoft’s search engine – Bing.

Here is a screenshot (click the image for full-size if you can’t read the text):

trash talking competitors

Now, I don’t know anything about this legal case at all. In fact, this was the first I had heard about it. First sign that it’s not nearly as noteworthy as Microsoft would like for us to believe it was.

However, I don’t need to know the details to come to one clear conclusion: Microsoft is trash talking Google and in doing so is hoping that more people will use Bing when searching the web.

I don’t know about you, but this is pretty ineffective in my mind. And it really only backfires, especially when people who can think for themselves read this kind of crap.

Here are a few reasons why this kind of marketing sucks.

Name Calling Sucks

And sorry, but that’s exactly what this sounds like. It’s fine to use fear in marketing. In fact, I would argue that just about anything you’re trying to sell should be marketed with some amount of fear. Fear of something, whether it be an outcome or whatever else.

Basically the idea is to convince people that life without the product is so bad that they should be afraid of the very possibility and buy immediately.

All that is fine and good. Newspapers are masterful at this, just go grab one and read the headlines. Which ones are the most urgent and frightening? There you go.

BUT – this approach is totally ruined when you start name calling. Microsoft could easily have inspired fear regarding the invasion of privacy without pointing fingers at Google.

Honestly, if the court case was nearly as ground-breaking as they want us to think, then wouldn’t it stand to reason that most of the general public (who watch the News and shit) would pick up on the implied connection between the promo and the recent court ruling?

Mmm Hmm.

Appearing Desperate Sucks

Sorry, but my first thought after seeing this was that perhaps Microsoft is a bit SCARED themselves.

Could this screenshot have anything to do with their name calling strategy…?

I think it’s a good possibility.

Chrome has managed to grab more browser market share than Microsoft’s Internet Explorer. And Google has always had the most market share when it comes to their search engine.

I guess Microsoft is none too happy about this. They must think their only hope lies in bashing on Google and convincing people that they are bad guys.

The Odds Are Against You

When you’re setting out to position yourself above the competition, shouldn’t you, um, actually be better than them to begin with?

Sorry, but if the fact is that more people are choosing to use Google’s browser and their search engine, then that means they already have more people on their side, so to speak. Microsoft better hope that people are going to change their minds over a single court case that honestly affected like zero people in any real measurable way.

I doubt this.

Besides, Microsoft has been taken to court a few times throughout its history as well…as have many large corporations. This isn’t unusual.

You Piss off Fans of the Competition

Okay, this is the biggest reason why you should probably not trash talk your competitors for your own gain…you piss off passionate fans of said competition and they create a spoof like the one I couldn’t resist hacking together in GIMP after seeing this bull shit.

Here is my version (click on it to enlarge):

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But in all seriousness, what are your thoughts on using this type of strategy in your marketing? Yay, nay? Why is it or isn’t it cool? Share in the comments.